How to not be a nice guy book
As the popular saying goes:. I was just tired. Needed a break. It was just wishful thinking! I went to Amazon to pick up a few new self-help books that I can relate.SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: How To STOP Being The "NICE GUY"! (10 Alpha Male Transformation Tips)
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Book Summary: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
I suffered from the same confusion, not knowing why being nice is so problematic. At the end of the day, I was only being nice. The confusion went away after reading No More Mr. Nice Guy written by the psychotherapist Robert A. After reading the book, I finally understood that there is a healthy form of being nice something we should all do and a very toxic one fawning.
What happens in the end is that a nice guy tries to please everyone, but he pleases nobody, not even himself. You can recognize the toxic nice guy behavior quite fast even when you resort to such unhealthy behavior — they:.
The nice guy syndrome is unfortunately a very common thing. Nice Guy. As I said, you should definitely read the book, but I decided to write a short book summary, so you can quickly see where the frustrations and challenges of always being a nice guy come from. The underlying false belief of nice guys is that being good, giving and caring leads to being loved, happy and fulfilled. They believe if they do all things the right way, they will live a happy, problem-free life and everything they ever wanted will fall straight into their laps.
Because they are nice, they assume that they deserve a good life without any struggle. Nice Guy believes that if he is nice, he will be loved, have a smooth life and all his needs will be met. Being nice is far from enough to be successful and care free in life. But there is one even bigger catch in the nice guy game. Nice guys are anything but nice. Their behavior is just a manipulative mask in hopes of getting something they want. Consequently, these men swing back and forth between being ultra-nice and not so nice.
And the list goes on and on. Nice guys are drawn to addictions, have difficulty setting boundaries, frequently isolate themselves, are attracted to people and situations that need fixing, they can be terrible listeners impatient to respond and they often blame their partners and other people for their unhappiness.
They operate out of a covert contract that they will always be nice and fawning, but in return they will get something they want. But that something they want is never enough. Nice Guy is usually above averagely talented and intelligent, but somehow an underachiever.
If a woman is flirtatious, responds with a smile, touch, sex or attentiveness, it means they are worth something. And a nice guy believes that if he is nice to a woman, she will always be in a good mood around him and have sex with him sooner or later. Logically, if a woman is not in a good mood, that needs to be immediately fixed — with solutions, sacrifice, manipulation, gifts, lies, whatever.
He wants a perfect woman with a perfect relationship, in exchange for being always nice. A nice guy thinks he must hide all his flaws and shortcomings and forget about his own needs. He assumes if he makes a woman happy by being nice, she will recognize his greatness and start paying attention to his needs — have sex with him, in other words.
Beneath the nice facade, every nice guy is extremely needy. They believe their needs drove away the people they love when they were young more about that later , thus they express their neediness in a very indirect, unclear, manipulative and controlling way. Always being nice is a form of neediness. Not only is such behavior far from attractive, even if nice guys do end up in a relationship they build a big wall. They prevent people from getting to close to them, because they are afraid of being abandoned.
For all the nice guys, it feels kind of uncomfortable if their needs are actually met. So sooner or later, they find a way to push people away. Women look for someone with his balls still intact, not a needy manipulative perfectionist. Nice guys often think in all-or-nothing ways. Consequently, they try to be nice all the time.
But the only alternative to being nice is not being a jerk or a bastard. The opposite of crazy can still be crazy. The solution lies somewhere else. An integrated male is capable of embracing everything that makes him uniquely male.
An integrated male develops healthy assertiveness through self-development and accepts his masculinity with all his power, courage and passion, but also together with his flaws, imperfections, mistakes and even his dark side. An integrated male can be kind and often is. No more Mr. The most common reason for developing the Mr.
Nice Guy syndrome is a toxic upbringing environment. That leads to inaccurate interpretations of childhood experiences in the adult years. The nice guy believes that if he can hide his flaws and become what others want him to be, then he will be loved, his needs will be met and his life will be problem-free.
Parents are never satisfied with a young boy, no matter what he does. And so, he tries harder. Only a second of a bad mood from the spouse takes the relationship to zero and alerts him to try even harder, to be even nicer. We all tend to attract people who have some of the worst traits of both of our parents. We are attracted to what is familiar to us, but that also enables us to resolve childhood traumas. Many times, Mr. Their fathers are absent, passive, angry, philandering, abusive or struggle with addictions.
Most often nice guys describe their fathers with negative terms. Consequently, they want to be completely different from their fathers. Even more, nice guys usually develop an unhealthy bond with their mother.
It often happens that they find it easier relate to women than men, and have few male friends. You turn into a Mr. Unrealistic expectations put on the shoulders of a young male in his upbringing environment is only one reason for turning into Mr. That reason is usually combined with much deeper feelings of toxic shame. And every child has needs that should be met in a timely, judicious manner.
If that happens, the child feels safe and lovable. And to a completely helpless child, abandonment equals death. At the same time, every child thinks they are in the center of the universe. They assume everything revolves around them, since they are not yet aware of their broader environment. Consequently, they believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to them, even abandonment.
When a child experiences any form of abandonment, they believe they are the cause of it. Unrealistic expectations, leaving a child alone for too long or controlling behavior can be added to the list.
But we are all born into an imperfect world, thus every child experiences abandonment to some extent. The problem occurs when there are too many mistakes made in the upbringing which leads to a toxic environment. When a child is raised in a toxic environment, the development of toxic shame occurs. In such a toxic environment, the child starts to believe that they are not okay as they are. They start perceiving themselves as flawed.
Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different and unlovable. They develop strong feelings of toxic shame. And they have a strong belief that they are the cause of it, because there is something wrong with them. They believe their needs drove the people they love away. And when toxic shame is developed, two survival mechanisms come to life that lead to Mr.
Nice Guy behavior. There are two forms of Mr. The steps to stop being a nice guy and develop into an integrated male A commitment to be good and do everything right is most often an unconscious tendency to compensate for internalized beliefs of low self-worth.
Such a faulty commitment can be made in hopes to finally be valuable and lovable. Being perfectly nice seems like the best solution for nice guys to feel better about themselves. But being perfect is not what people are drawn to.
Humans naturally connect with humans. The rough edges and imperfections are what gives others something to connect to. Perfection only makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless and boring. The first step to an integrated male is to identify how you seek approval list all the things you do only to win approval , and then take good care of yourself, encourage yourself with self-fathering, develop your personality strengths and reveal yourself as you are to the safe people.
It also makes sense to practice being with yourself and liking yourself as you are in the moment. Put yourself first and find a good balance between taking good care of yourself and others. Then cover contracts, guessing games, anger outbursts, manipulations, controlling behavior, resentment and passive-aggressiveness will be gone too. Go for a walk, do exercise, eat healthy food, get enough sleep, relax, play, get a massage, buy yourself something, clean your car, go out with friends, listen to music, there are many ways how to take good care of yourself.
Paying attention to your needs. Remember: others can connect most deeply with you on the rough edges of your imperfections.
The Nice Guy Syndrome
I was proud to make that statement about myself through much of my early adult life. I was a Nice Guy. I wanted to treat people well, and I wanted to be liked. One marriage had ended. My career dreams were stalled.
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No More Mr. Nice Guy – Dr. Robert Glover Interview – Part 1
I suffered from the same confusion, not knowing why being nice is so problematic. At the end of the day, I was only being nice. The confusion went away after reading No More Mr. Nice Guy written by the psychotherapist Robert A. After reading the book, I finally understood that there is a healthy form of being nice something we should all do and a very toxic one fawning. What happens in the end is that a nice guy tries to please everyone, but he pleases nobody, not even himself. You can recognize the toxic nice guy behavior quite fast even when you resort to such unhealthy behavior — they:.
No More Mr. Nice Guy
No More Mr. Robert A. He describes what he calls the " Nice guy Syndrome", a condition in men who appear to be always nice and who try to avoid conflict at all costs. Glover's premise is that nice guys have been conditioned by their childhoods and by society to believe that they will be successful only if they make everyone happy and never cause any problems for others.
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3 Books For Depressed Nice Guys
I did everything I could to make her happy. I tried to solve her problems. I tried to be a good father to her children. I tried to be a better man than the other men in her past.
This is a summary of No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. If you like what you read here, click here to purchase. A nice person who is just a little out of luck. Robert Glover shows us that the truth looks a little different.
No More Mr. Nice Guy – Why women don’t like nice guys – Book Summary
Men who complain that they are unlucky in love despite their 'nice guy' persona may have a sinister agenda. The so-called 'Nice Guy', the often physically unattractive man who overcompensates with clingy and over-the-top behaviour to women, is relentlessly mocked online. Dr Robert Glover , who's studied the issue, says these men are often trying to form "covert contracts" with the target of their affections. In other words, they might use kindness to try and make up for what they lack elsewhere. The idea is that if you meet someone's needs without them having to ask, they should meet yours. Dr Glover said: "Others typically do not realise these contracts exist and are often surprised when the Nice Guy lashes out at their failure to keep their end of the deal. And when things don't go their way, they often complain that they've been "friend-zoned" despite the target of their affections never being interested in the first place. On the Reddit forum dedicated to the subject, the ulterior motives of Nice Guys are highlighted using social media posts and screengrabs:.